I think the problem is I don’t want it to be just another
chapter. I want it to be a whole new
book. I want this opportunity to be a
complete starting over. A new beginning.
I guess “opportunity” is actually the best word for it. And my prayer has been that I use this
opportunity well. I don’t want blow it
or mess it up. I think my tendencies –
my flesh patterns – lend themselves to just wasting this opportunity. So, yeah, that worries me a bit. I lied.
That worries me a lot.
For those who don’t know, here’s a very quick
backstory. I’ve hated my job for several
years now. Recently, it’s been causing
pretty severe depression – I’ve been angry and sobbing and mean and scary. I hadn’t been having any luck finding a new
job, so I was stuck at that one.
Recently, my parents decided, for the sake of my health, they would help
me financially if I quit my job. I was
initially very excited about that, but then I became hesitant after thinking
about being a 34-year old living off my parents money as they inch closer to
retirement years. After talking through
my options with several trusted friends, praying, and having people pray for
me, I decided it was time.
Honestly, I am scared out of my mind! Don’t get me wrong, I’m so happy to be out of
that place – in fact, I’m still breathing hard from the happy dance I just did
in my living room – but being jobless and having a mortgage isn’t actually a
smart idea. (Kids, don’t try this at
home.) But I’m also excited about the
possibilities.
The idea is that I use this time
to try and do some freelance editing and/or writing; to take some classes and
workshops that will give me some certifications to add to my resume and help
improve my photography and writing skills, and to actually write. At the same time, I need to be looking for a
new job, whether it’s full time or part time. And I also want to start exercising on a
regular basis… and maybe actually cook good meals so I can eat better… and
clean and organize my house… and do dishes and laundry on a more regular and
timely schedule… I think I’m actually going to be busier with no job than I was
with a job. I also want to use this
opportunity to improve my relationship with God. I’m making a point to set aside time to study
the Bible and pray.
The absolute best possible
scenario/dream-come-true situation: I’ll
write a couple best-selling novels and become wealthy and famous and never have
to have a real job again in my life! What? It could happen!
But honestly, my hope is that I
can just take this time to become a better person – a better child of God, a
better friend and daughter, a better writer… I want to grow up into the kind of
person I want to be, spiritually, emotionally, physically… obviously, not so
much financially...
My prayer has literally been, “OK,
God, here’s this new thing in my life now.
Please don’t let me blow it.”
I sometimes have doubts about
whether I made the right decision, but what’s done is done now. So, I’m going to trust God. This is a huge thing for me because I
struggle with trust. I’m a doubter and
agonizer by nature. I’m a worst-case
scenario kind of girl. So, yes –
terrified. But also looking forward to
what God can bring out of this.
Thanks to all my friends who
have been praying for me, supporting me, encouraging me. (Don’t stop just yet.)
Oh, and if y'all read anything else on this blog to determine whether I have a shot at this writing thing, most of this stuff was written years ago... I've improved... I think...
